You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
