This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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