sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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