A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Fuck me I smell like cheese
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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