winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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