so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
