He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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