you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
