Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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