You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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