i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
