Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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