So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
