She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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