I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
