Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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