My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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