Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
