dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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