i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So here I am, sexting at work.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
