when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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