Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
