Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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