i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
