I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
