Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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