My friends, they love my intelligence
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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