I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
