I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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