Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
