I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
