omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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