My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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