Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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