Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
