I'm going to jail i love you
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
