I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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