currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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