you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
