If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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