A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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