can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
