She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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