Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
