i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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