I got chris browned last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
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Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
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I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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