I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
