Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
