my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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