I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
