Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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