I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
