i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
