im six kinds of drunk right now
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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