I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
