i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
pop tarts are not kleenex
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
