Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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