I'm gonna have a badass scar
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
