I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
